Some notes on how we, human animals, tick...
Hi.
For some time now, I've wanted to share around some of what I've been reading, about what makes us tick, why we are the way we are and .. most hopefully ... how we might help ourselves to improve.
I will also attempt to use as little jargon as I can.
Let me know if I could improve!
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RESPONDING TO EACH OTHER
All the latest scientific research is pointing strongly to the idea that we develop best when we are in relationship with other human beings. Even just simply, being in the presence of another human being.
THE SOCIAL BRAIN
One writer puts forward the idea that our brains are social organs - each wanting to "connect with other brains". Because that is how brains develop and expand. Unfortunately however, the opposite happens when our brains are not responded to in a way that is loving, nurturing and supportive.
For those of you interested - I will reference sources further along - but for the moment, take it as read that most of these notes are inspired by, and drawn from people like Daniel Siegel (Developing Minds, Mindsight and other books), Marco Iacoboni (Mirroring People), Bonnie Badenoch (The Brain-wise Therapist), Pat Ogden (Trauma and the Body), Sue Gerhardt (Why Love Matters) and a selection of other writers.
BEING "MENTALLY PRESENT"
It seems that we humans have been made in a particular way, such that we have a significant impact on each other .. at a very deep level. When we have an interaction with someone else - talking, doing some activity with them - or even just being in the presence of another person - we affect each others emotional chemicals. Literally. When we are in the presence of someone who is attentive to us and holds us in positive regard, something happens in our inner bodies - our brain chemicals change, new nerve connections are made, our range of experience expands and we become more creative and resilient, and happier in ourselves.
It is not JUST the physical presence that is important - it is the “mental”, or emotional and psychological presence - the attention - that is important.
This is why it is so important for parents to spend time being really with their kids - because children blossom, grow and expand when they are receiving the positive, encouraging glow of their parents.
When a child is with its Mum or Dad, and Mum or Dad is on the mobile phone - the child knows, at a very deep, subconscious level, that Mum or Dad is absent from them - because the parent is more "engaged" with the person on the other end of the phone.
When this continues for too long (and what is too long will depend on the age and temperament of the child ), the child will assume that he or she is not important enough to their parent, is not lovable enough. The child will then start drawing on coping mechanisms to help him or her deal with this situation. Amusing itself in some way, the child may withdraw into its own world, or "act out" by attention seeking behaviours (the list here is almost endless).
Whatever the child does to compensate, these coping mechanisms, are often unhealthy - particularly as the young person grows and develops into an adult. These attempts to cope with their world soon show up as difficulties in relating to people, or the world around them, in some way.
HEALING
Hope is not lost, however, as we have brains that are keen and eager to heal, and will do so when they are given the right circumstances later in life. The good news is that no matter what age you are - no matter how old you are - our brains have the capacity to re-grow the connections that it missed out on making long ago.
One proviso is that one needs to be patient with oneself as this process takes time - no matter what age. A significant part of our healing work is involved with becoming more compassionate with ourselves, and understanding of our own quirks and foibles.
That's all for now - a kind of general "taster" for what I hope to expand on in the future.
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